So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
