I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
