I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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