I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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