the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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