Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
