Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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