I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
