Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
