I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
