Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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