Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
