The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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