i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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