I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
