I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
