Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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