Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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