my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
