I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
