I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
