I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
