I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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