Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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