and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
