Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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