I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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