If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
