I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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