Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
