I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
