I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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