Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
