I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
