So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
