Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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