You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
