Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
