I think I won the penis lottery.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
