I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
