After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
