I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
