I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
