There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need a beard to bite.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
