don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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