So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
