like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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