I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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