This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
