I think I died a long time ago.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
